On the Move #2–Fleshing Out The Scene


The day before yesterday I shared a short paragraph from my current writing project The Book of Ten called ‘On the Move’, a scene that has some characters progressing through the countryside on horseback, possibly trailed by a vague menace–I include this post to show how I’ve subtly altered that paragraph to be a bit more descriptive, and to flesh the scene out with a bit more detail. I recommend that you read the first post (On the Move), then read this one to fully absorb the changes.

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Boarl and I looked sidelong at one another. Father just nodded thoughtfully. He remounted and led us away from the river, away from the tracks. I followed close behind and I could tell from the way he rode that his wind was up and that he was very nervous. We moved at a brisk pace through the rest of the day and did not slow until we came to a region of thin forest and gentle clearing in a broad mountain valley. Before us, the mountains rumbled on until they were lost in a turquoise haze. Turkey vultures swung in a dark pendulum in the nearer heavens and across the valley could be seen the ramshackle sprawl of an abandoned farm holding. There was no smoke, no sound, nothing to indicate life. We dismounted here and led the horses on foot, spooking coveys of pheasant and the occasional hare, advancing on the holding by means of a shallow draw damp from spring runoff and choked with snarls of wind tumbled sage. We came out of the draw very cautiously, lura’s in hand and Seemok with his battered .308 Winchester socked into his shoulder.

Decrepit clapboard houses with peeling sidepanels and roofs flaked like molting fowl leaned into a narrow dooryard overtaken by age and ruin. Old rotted plastic sheeting rustled in the breeze and rusted bits of debris littered the ground and a bloody light from the setting sun rafted down through splayed rafters and sagging ridgebeams. Dust and dried leaves lay thick upon the grounds and we could tell at a glance that the place had been deserted for years. Maybe longer.

###

Still a constantly changing work in progress–I’m continually returning to all of my written passages, tweaking some slightly, giving others a major overhaul, even throwing some of them away completely.

Thanks for tuning in–more to follow….

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5 Responses to “On the Move #2–Fleshing Out The Scene”

  1. I think I’ll have to buy your new book, Jason. Your words paint a lovely picture!

  2. Okay, nicely fleshed out…I really like the additional details, the names make it more immediate and personal…the weapons at the ready give it more tension…and even though “at first glance” the place looks deserted why do I still feel as if the something is up? Turkey vultures…father nervous…Shoot I’m hooked 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Story Art « Jason Barron's Blog - April 14, 2011

    […] have no plans to include any chapter art in my current writing project The Book of Ten (this link takes you to an excerpt from the story), but if I end up changing my mind, I certainly […]

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